We won't sleep together?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
