He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
