Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
