My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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