I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
