The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I am available for nakedness
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
