so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Say something about gay babies.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
