it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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