Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
