I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
soo... how was my night?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
