I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
