When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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