Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
