You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he was CRYING into my vagina
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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