Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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