i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
