I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
