You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
