Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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