yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
