im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
