They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
