I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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