I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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