Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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