I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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