Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
