i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
