I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
