Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
