Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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