THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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