I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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