you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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