You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
