I wish I could teleport
And the cops told us we were all naked.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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