I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
