You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
3 2 1 whiskey
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
