I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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