I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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