In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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