before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
