I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
