i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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