In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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