There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
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