1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
