I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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