how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
