so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
